{A LITTLE BIT OF HAPPY} I have a wall in my home that is my all time favorite. I think because it has us all together. The top row of photos on my wall (click to enlarge as per usual) is the exact ages all my boys were when we had Parker. It is my completed family of boys. Chayse~Brodie~Logan~Parker. {and mum and dad of course} Yes Dani that's right I have included a photo of myself this time!! This wall makes me smile everytime I walk in and look at it.It's my little bit of happy. It' s hard though when my gorgeous friend Cassie is a photographer and keeps twisting my arm to take more shots. Yes we are booked in for a family photo in September.

But for now these are Logan and mums snap shots on a very early morn. He is my budding photographer!!

THE JOY OF WASHING DIRTY DISHES

What seems like an eternity ago when Logan was in hospital 4 hours away from home I sat next to him with a dream. Many cuddles back when it was him and I toughing it out for months on end I prayed to be able to go home and wash those dirty dishes. My back ached from sitting in that bedside chair, I was incredibly tired and run down and ached every single day to take him home to his brothers. I wanted to do the normal things, like wash the boys dirty dishes. Yes we have a dishwasher but I wanted to stand at the sink and wash.

I did that one weekend. It was the toughest weekend of my life. I needed to cuddle my other boys and have a nights sleep without alarms for medication going off all night. Tough because I left him there and travelled the 4 hours home. I stood and washed those dishes vowing to never take another day for granted. This was a gift that some parents can't do because their children never leave the hospital so they too stay, for the love of their child. I washed my kids clothes, hung it out and appreciated the everyday things with my family.

Looking back Logan was so sick when I returned I still feel guilty leaving for that night. His little body was full of infections and he had to have a line put straight to his heart because they'd used every other vein for drips. He was on 7 different antibiotics. We almost lost him but he battled through it all. Today he bought me his usual handful of flowers and I did the dishes and loved life.

Thanks Logan, "Love you bigger than the world"

BESTest FRIENDS This is Brock, Logans best best friend in life. These two munchkins were destined to be friends even before birth. Brocks mum and I worked together and had our first babies together. Sadly Cassies little boy Jesse was born with Downs Syndrome and she didn't know. He is doing fantastic and is such a credit to her. She is the strongest person I know. Logan and Brock were born at the same time and featured in our local baby page together. Brock takes Logan for who he is and loves him soooo. They are such a delight to watch together. They race to each other and just cuddle and giggle like little girls when in each others company. Cassie called in yesterday and we found them snuggled on the couch together so of course I had to get the camera out.

may you find the little paths bright with birdsong, hedged with flowers that others never see.

ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE

Tomorrow Corey and I will visit the special school for their open day. We had another meeting with the regions school psychologist and he feels Logan would be better off there instead of mainstream. He said you have to take into account that he has a bowel disease, severe speech delay and is developmentally behind. He told us it only takes one child to tease him and it will send him further backwards. I spoke with him for nearly 2 hours and totally agreed with every scenario he went through but I still have a pit in my stomach. My head says it's best for Logan but my heart is saying no.

That's not my son.

I want my four boys to be at school for that mothers day photo.

I can't just go and have lunch with 3.

I have 4. I don't want him to be different to his brothers.

Won't that be worse for him knowing he's segregated??? I wish I had an easy answer.

But. I. Don't.

I hope tomorrow helps me to decide but dread telling him. He's ment to start the 6 week kinder transition to primary school in 2 weeks. How can I take that away from him and say you can't go to that school now???

MIXED EMOTIONS Well I still don't know how I feel. It's been a mixed few days. We basically found out that Logan doesn't have Autism he has what they call Global Development Delay. Basically he turned 5 back in February but he is really only at he development and intellect of a 3 year old. I was thankful that he doesn't have Autism but really as the doctors explained it doesn't really matter if he has that label or not as he has the same issues and challenges for some reason. It wouldn't have changed anything. They don't even know why he was born like this or how it's happened. We now have to decide what to do about school next year. If I make him repeat kinder he would be 7 starting Preps. That's nearly 2 years older than everyone else. They said to me that we have to think in terms of "would you send a 3 year old to school". I was going to have a look at the Specialist school today as they recommended but I just couldn't get myself there for some reason. I think it was the dream of having all the the boys at the same school. It breaks my heart to single him out as different.But reality is Logan is different.His bowel disease is giving him real trouble at the moment. He had three dirty pairs of pants this morning between 8 and 8.30. The older boys just got to school before the bell as we had to go and change him again once we were all in the car ready to go. When I picked him up at kinder they said they had a bad day with 5 changes there....... What to do. I just don't know. I know I have to do what's best for him and accept it but it still hurts. He looks normal and people all ready look at me and him with his behaviours and I feel so judged. If only they knew..... Logan was put here with me to teach me not to judge anyone as we just don't know what they've been through in their lives. Just don't judge. I thank him for that every day. "Love you bigger than the world Logan"

TOMORROW 'S THE BIG DAY

We've waited over 18 months for it to be our turn for an appointment and it's finally here tomorrow. We will travel to Bendigo for Logan to have the full 3 hour assessment for Autism.

It's a day I've been dreading and a day I've been desperately longing to come to get answers.

When Logan was 1 and a half we started seeking answers to his behaviours to no avail. We had to go on a waiting list for over 2 years for speech therapy as there were no services able to accommodate us. We are finally getting things rolling.

I just want to know does he have it or is it something else. Two paediatricians at the Royal childrens have assessed him and said they feel he has so this is the big one now. A team of 7 doctors, speeachies and psyhcs etc. It will be a long day for him but we need to know where we are headed for schooling reasons.

I'm so anxious. Do I want to hear Your son does have Autism or do I want to hear no we don't think so. Either way Corey and I feel something is so very different to the other boys and just want help.

We'll still love you bigger than the world Logie.

A fun day out until Logan's sleeve got a dot of water on it then the tantrums set in All fixed and even mum didn't care in the end if I looked like an idiot with my coat sleeve rolled up so it wouldn't touch the jumper. See such a happy boy now we made it through that one, (thank goodness)

(wish me luck, no maybe love as it will get us through.)

TOUGH MORNING It's tough waking up in a great mood to doubt yourself half an hour later, It's tough watching my little Logan wander out of bed , head down and pouting sadly, It's tough knowing that he only ever wants weetbix for breaky and then he cries about it for an hour. It's tough that crying turns into him screaming because there's not enough milk, or it's not stirred right, It's tough watching him quickly stirring it for 20 minutes to try to make it somehow better, It's tough that the other kids say "it's too loud, when will he stop yelling"

It's tough that I want so much to say "snap out of it",

It's tough that he just does all of a sudden like it never happened

It's tough that some days I want to fall in a heap and just cry, It's tough and it's not fair that he got both Autism and Hirschsprungs Disease (but yet he looks so normal.)

My beautiful, kind hearted, fragile but ever so gentle Logan.

"I LOVE YOU BIGGER THAN THE WORLD"

(By the way it's actually Monday morning, first morning back at school, and I've no idea why my blog says Sunday.)

Happy Birthday Logan Darby

My Little boy that fell asleep in the sunshine while I was watering the garden and still chatting to him

My Little boy that demands to wear Spiderman Ugg boots with shorts , on the wrong feet in the middle of summer.

My Little flower delivery boy each morning. HE IS 5 !!!!!!!!!

My little Logan who is still the smaller in weight and size than his 2 year old brother is 5 tomorrow. Feb. 28th. Where did the time go. My little boy that every day walks in with the most beautiful smile on his face and says "mummy I've got a surprise for you" both hands behind his back full of yellow daisies. This morning I found a bunch of them near my computer. I wish they would last longer than a few hours after they were picked. Never will I forget the love, and emotion this little boy has bought to our lives. (especially when watching what he dealt with in the Royal Childrens Hospital that first year of his life.) He is my angel boy that we were told we'd lose. No one knows the love and admiration Corey and I really have for this little battler. He is precious. Happy Birthday Logan "close your eyes mummy I've got a secret, Kisses on your nose and " I love you too.."